


Moxiety- Hold On To Goodbyes

by Hayden_IsTrying



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Off-screen Relationship(s), Sad Morality | Patton Sanders, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 09:13:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19104133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hayden_IsTrying/pseuds/Hayden_IsTrying
Summary: Patton is so trapped in his own mind and he just wants the swirling thoughts to stop. So he uses the same way out that Virgil did.





	Moxiety- Hold On To Goodbyes

Patton stood solemnly, face blank of emotion apart from the cascade of tears the blocked his vision. In truth, Patton had no idea where he was going when he left the house at 2 am but he grew to understand when he began shuffling towards the edge of the cliff. All the while he shook moving at an unsteady pace and pattern due to the robust gusts of wind that at times almost knocked him off his feet. All he could hear was the salty waves crashing against the cliff's base and lapping over one another. you think of water as something peaceful.  
I had a... person in my life who had to listen to it or he couldn't sleep, I miss Virgil. But when you look at these waves they seem so angry like they have had a row and they are taking it out on the rocks slowly eroding them away with their own contempt. I know some people who are just like these waves. So hateful that they bury themselves in it.  
There are a lot of things I could have done differently. Firstly, I could have checked on Virgil sooner. Kissed him and told him how much I loved him instead of letting the last thing that touched his lips be harsh pills that made his throat close up after he forced them in hoping that something better would be on the other side. If I could do it all again I would never let him be taken away from me.  
I found him that way. Dead. It was heart-shattering. I was at a coffee shop with a friend at the time, his name was Roman, I checked my phone and realised I had a text from Virgil. The text was so... final that's the only way I can describe it. A more personal note to his husband.  
After that, I went home as fast as I could. Ran upstairs without noticing that, unintentionally, in my stupor, I had locked roman outside. I found Virgil on our shared bathroom floor. I checked his pulse, he was breathing. But only just. I called an ambulance and rode with him to the hospital. They wouldn't let me see him. No matter how hard I cried or how much I begged. They wouldn't let me see my husband.  
He died five hours later. I cried for days. then I felt nothing, i was completely numb. I locked people out and they eventually stopped caring. I tried to move on, just like Virgil told me to. Every time I left the house I was looked at with such sympathy so I moved. left my old life behind and moved halfway across the country. And after that, I did everything in my power to help people like Virgil. I did that for over six years, but it wasn't enough.  
I kept fighting for fear of anyone else I cared about dying the same way. It’s been years now. Virgil died at twenty-six, he was my husband I'm now thirty-two, it's been six years. six years of hell, six years I've been burying my own emotions and six years to take care of everyone else and I'm tired. I'm tired and I don't want to go on. Not anymore.  
I suppose that's why I'm on a cliff. life really does suck. I spent my whole life taking care of other people, my whole life being as selfless as I could physically manage. yet here I am about to end it all, there is not a person in sight to try to stop me. To be fair I did see it coming. The second the hospital told me that Virgil was gone I didn't want to be here anymore. I guess I just took someone telling me to do it as the last push, after all, I did tell all my friends that I would do anything for them.  
I peered over the unstable rock where my feet seemed to be glued, took a shaky breath and I let go of the railing. I was falling and for the ten, maybe fifteen, seconds I was in the air I was at peace the wind whipped against my frail body and at that moment I felt closer to Virgil than I had felt in so long. I sobbed, feeling the shiver roll down my spine and then I hit the ground. The last thing I heard is a sickening crack and the following thump. Then my vision clouded over. I was gone.  
to where?  
I have no idea

*******  
I began to stir, blinking my, now dry, eyes open. The flesh around them was stinging and sore. I was in an obscurely piercing room. My whole body felt painfully stiff but I was alive. The question is where on earth am I?  
I dragged myself from the icy floor and used the cave wall to support me as I pushed onwards deeper into the cave. I had been walking for what felt like forever. It could have been minutes or hours but I had begun to see daylight through cracks and openings in the rocks. Judging by the time of year (it was mid-winter) it must be around seven to eight o' clock in the morning. I must have been out cold for hours. Yet I don't have any kind of injury to indicate a fall, weird...  
I continued into the cave. My footfalls echoing and reverberating as they bounced off the walls eventually dying into nothingness. I envy them.  
I walked until I was tired of walking and then I walked some more and soon I came across a light. I soon found out that it was a lamp (though it really didn't look like a lamp, more of a strange vase.) I ran my thumb over it revealing intricate porcelain markings. A gentle smile tugged at my lips, it was beautiful. The lamp began to tremble and vibrate. It's shaking became more and more violent until it fell out of my hands onto the floor. It began to uncontrollably spew red smoke. I coughed on the choking gas and once I got out of its range and the smoke cleared it revealed a man. He looked to have a similar physique that I did except he was taller.  
He seemed to hold formality above all else. though, intimidation came as a close second. Then he spoke a dangerous smirk on his pale face. His voice was accented with an intelligent tone that made me shudder, though I'm not completely sure why.  
"Salutations" he stated. his voice held such grandeur, yet sounded so uninviting I wasn't quite sure what to think. Though I realise he can't do any worse than what I just tried to do. I simply sat there staring. This being, (whatever he was) he seemed amazing. "I am a genie, here to grant you three wishes."  
At this statement, he seemed to inwardly cringe. Anyone should have been cautious at this point but I was not. I had lost all care just as I had lost everything else in my life. "really?" I muttered sarcastically. Wow... that was probably the only time in my life I haven't spoken to someone like they were better than me, worth more than me. "Yes, now what are your wishes? Think as long as you need." He leant against the cave wall as if he was prepared to wait for hours.  
"I have them." He looked surprised,  
"already? Well if you're sure."  
"Can I tell you the third wish after you have granted the first two?" I requested. This would make telling him the wishes easier. I'm also guessing he would ask fewer questions.  
"Yes, of course"  
"My first wish is to see my husband, Virgil, one last time. My second wish is to be truly content. With both myself and the world."  
"As you wish," he cackled. His voice was harsh and cracked; at that moment I knew this wasn't going to go well for me."Say hello... TO VIRGIL" he waved his arms dramatically and in a cascade of red smoke my husbands rotting, panicked form arose from the solid rock on the ground. He was screaming in pure unadulterated agony. He fell to the ground and I ran over to his aid pulling him up he grasped both of my forearms and I realised he didn't have any eyes just bloody sockets that once contained the most beautiful iris known to man. Longing tugged at my chest and finally, my eyes met with gaping holes in his face as his flesh began to melt and peel away he spoke.  
"What's wrong Patton? don't you think I'm pretty anymore? you told me you would love me forever and ever. yet when I needed you most you weren't there. Face the truth. You are, and always will be, an awful husband"  
"Virgil, please"  
"No, shut up, you had your chance to save me, and you failed." he began to scream and writhe in his spot.  
"L E T M E D I E."  
He then let out a bellowing shriek and his jaw unhinged, blood spewed everywhere and then he disappeared.  
Patton was beyond broken but the pain continued. The edges of Patton's mouth were pulled up by the sides into a warped and disfigured smile.  
His happy memories played out in front of him on screens. However, they were twisted. memories of people he loved mixed with the worst and most hard parts of his life, so it was as if his best friend Roman was the one beating him every day in high school rather than the bullies. They tormented him for being gay after they heard that he had been to pride. His father lying and manipulating him but in place of the awful, abusive man responsible for kicking him out and abusing him for years was his first boyfriend and best friend Damien, hitting him. He crumbled. His body trembling with feverish sobs and shaking with so much emotion he couldn't even begin to decipher it.  
"That's enough. stop it, you fuckin moron, I told you to tell me before you do this to people. Jeez, logan... you really fucked this guy up. You can leave now. Unless you want to fuck with me?"  
"Hey, really come on, I was almost done."  
"You live in a glorified kettle, are you really arguing with me right now?"  
'Logan' walked away with a huff and slowly the illusions and memories went with him. I sat on the ground panting as I tried to recover my whole body trembling. "Wait, hang on, look at me"  
I looked up to find a man in a thick black coat. There was something about his voice that I recognised, but I couldn't understand what it was.  
"Oh my god. Is that you Patton?" I nodded hesitantly and he made a strange noise. The hood of his cloak was taken down to reveal those familiar honey-brown irises.  
"Virgil! Wait? what? how?"  
Within seconds I was engulfed in a puff of black smoke with accents of purple glitter. Virgil sat on one side of a desk while I sat at the other. he looked angry but I couldn't tell if it was directed at me or not.  
"I'll get you taken back, please don't worry" he breathed "I promise, you won't be stuck in this shithole for long, I'll get you back home."  
"Please don't," I whimpered.  
That caught his attention. he looked abruptly my way and furrowed his eyebrows proceeding to stare at me  
his head tilted in confusion "why not?"  
"please don't leave me again, I need you, Virgil"  
"Oh, Patton, I'm not human anymore i... I can't. I'm so sorry Patton"  
"So? what does that matter?"  
"i... I'm Death, Patton. it... it's my job to... to kill people"  
"Are you Virgil? Because if you are, you're my husband. I want you back, please Virgil don't send me back there I can't do it anymore."  
"What do you mean? Did something happen?"  
"VIRGIL, YOU KILLED YOURSELF! I have to live without you, the person I fell in love with, I'm still in love with, all the while blaming myself because I wasn't fast enough to save you."  
"Fine, if you don't want to go back, what do you want to do?"  
"I want my husband back! I want the late nights of cuddles, I want to be able to protect you, tell you everything is going to be okay. Don't you want that?"  
"Of course, I do. once I found out I had the chance to see you again I was elated. Because I'll admit it I get thousands of people begging not to die, begging to see relatives one more time after they have tried to kill themselves. I feel exactly the same way. For months I watched you hoping you would move on, but you didn't. it was a couple of years ago that I stopped watching."  
"It only got worse, I wouldn't have found this place if I didn't try to jump off the cliff."  
"Wait, you did what? That's how you died?" He held his face in his hands muttering to himself before he spoke again. "Look I'll let you stay with me. I...I have missed you. but bear in mind that I haven't been around a person properly since I died. Everyone I see is usually really fucked up in the head or just corrupted by this place. Just like good old Logan who you've already met."  
"As long as I'm with you it doesn't matter to me."  
Virgil gently pressed his lips to mine. I leaned into it, needily pressing further into him. he growled and kissed me harder, pressing me against the desk he had previously got up from. he then began to nip at my neck, leaving tiny love bites and marks. I keened into it as he slowly pulled away breathing now hitched, eyes glossed over with want.  
"God, I really missed you, Patton. I love you."  
"I love you too Virgil."

**Author's Note:**

> Requests are open   
> join the LGBTQ+ safe space discord server -straight allies welcome too - https://discord.gg/NYNjWNs


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